I think I’ve sussed what Rolfing is doing for me. I think in my last 2 sessions I’ve really began to encompass and feel what I’m learning. I think I can now ask the question to myself…”What do I need right now” and it feels amazing! I went to my last session feeling so out of sorts. Shaky, ungrounded, vulnerable. It had been a tough week to be honest and immediately Aidan said “What do you need in today’s session Gem?” The question threw me a little. I always assumed there was a structure or plan to follow. But Aidan told me Rolfing can be adapted to whatever the individual needs. I hadn’t asked myself or been asked by someone else that question for such a long time, it felt. ‘What do I need right now?’ I knew what I needed after some thought and it was to feel grounded again. To feel cared for, stable and back in my body.
I’d spent the last few days feeling like I didn’t really know where I was if that makes sense? You know those times when you wake up from a deep sleep, so deep, that when you arouse, you have that brief moment of thinking ‘ where on earth am I?’ or those times you stay in hotel rooms and forget the next morning, after, say, a long journey, and wake to question where you are? That. That had been how I’d been feeling and I felt so unstable.
So the process began with Aidan asking me to place my foot in his palm and to gently find the root, the support. My leg shook. I just couldn’t keep it still. He told me to breath and relax and gently find his palm. Amazingly, within a few minutes, the leg stopped shaking and my senses began to awaken. It was then that I realised all I had been learning and was fully aware of how my body is now starting to be able to respond quicker than ever to what it needs.
As well as the feet, we worked on the neck and shoulders, releasing the tension and finding the space within which my body lay. I started to feel my being again. I do hope this makes sense. It can be hard to explain at times, but I was becoming relaxed yet fully aware and the shaking had stopped. I started to feel connected and as one again. For the first time in the process, Aidan began to work on my face. Gently massaging the cheeks and jaw.
And here was the moment I really knew my Rolfing experience was starting to take shape.
Aidan didn’t know this but for years I have had a fear and unwillingness to have my face touched. It stems from a bad experience in my teens that I had never been able to shake off. My face being touched has always made me scared and uncomfortable yet here I was, not feeling any of that. It honestly was a real moment. Truly.
Even typing it now and remembering makes me cry. Happy tears. For the first time in what feels forever I was allowing myself to be and to trust. I hand on heart would not have got there without this process.
After we finished in fact, I did cry. I felt such a release it was incredible. The emotion washed over me and I breathed. I sighed relief and contentment and happiness.
I felt whole again. I never allow myself to stop. I find relaxing so hard. I sometimes connect it to when I was poorly and on bed rest with anorexia as a teen and I feel guilt that I shouldn’t be wasting time resting.
I should be doing as I lost all that time. Also in the industry I am in I feel I shouldn’t be stopping working or looking for work or learning. I feel I can never say no to when someone asks me for something or to do something. We discussed how it’s ok to stop for me and I need to start asking myself the question more and more ‘What do I need right now?’ Be it a walk, a sleep, a night in, a phone call…or even just to take a deep breath. Today I asked myself the question and the answer was in fact ‘nothing’. That made me smile. Sometimes you just need to ask the question ‘What do I need right now’ and whatever the answer, that’s yours to hold. I’m learning.
If you think you or a loved one suffer from an eating disorder, you may want to contact SEED. Here’s the link SEED Eating Disorders Support Service
Maybe you are considering trying a Rolfing Session with Aidan, in London, here’s how to MAKE AN ENQUIRY OR BOOK A SESSION
If you want the list of UK Rolfers, take a look here