Sessions 4 and 5: grief …and a show tune!

Gemma Oaten, Rolfing blog

red_4
It’s been a while since I last blogged for my Rolfing session and now it’s time to write again I’m going to be a little bit more personal than I’ve ever been. 

After session 3 (where we worked on my ‘sides’) I developed a kidney infection, in fact quite a severe one. I was in agony, delirious and it is an experience I care not to repeat that’s for sure! Apparently bad kidney infections can be worse than child birth…I’ll pass on having kids for a little bit longer! The reason I mention this is because Aidan worked on and around my kidneys and upon seeing the Doctor and explaining the situation she told me that having had a kidney infection which I passed off as cystitis back in January and left untreated, this kidney infection had spread into the upper urinary tract meaning it had always been there and was laying dormant. In fact the Rolfing may have saved me developing kidney stones. Please understand this by no way negative on Rolfing, in fact, it’s praising it.

Through Rolfing I feel my body is ‘waking up’ so to speak and had it not been for the session concentrating on my sides and kidneys, I could have been in much more serious pain and hospitalization. I can feel the sessions are making me more aware than I have ever been of my body and it’s at this point half way through (I’ve now had session 4 and 5) that I’m starting to understand the REAL benefits of Rolfing.

After my kidney infection I was very low in mood. I started to cry for no reason, my mind just wouldn’t switch off and my anxiety and sadness was becoming more and more prominent.


I noted it was around the time of almost a year to the day that my Grandad died, one week after that a dear friend was killed in a car crash and a week after that my then boyfriend ended the relationship out of the blue. I mention this because after each heartbreak, within the space of three weeks, I had to get on a train to Leeds and film on Emmerdale. There was no time to grieve or think, I had a job to do. I left Emmerdale last August, and have felt I’ve been on auto pilot ever since.

I noted it was around the time of almost a year to the day that my Grandad died, one week after that a dear friend was killed in a car crash and a week after that my then boyfriend ended the relationship out of the blue. I mention this because after each heartbreak, within the space of three weeks, I had to get on a train to Leeds and film on Emmerdale. There was no time to grieve or think, I had a job to do. I left Emmerdale last August, and have felt I’ve been on auto pilot ever since.

Now in hindsight I can see how I kept putting on a show, never gave myself time for me and switched off and pushed down any feelings of worry, unrest or grief. In the present day, after the low of my kidney infection, it was like it all just came crashing at me. All the feelings, all the pain, all the unanswered questions. Boom! There they were racing round my mind and in many ways my body.

What happened next was, in my mind, amazing. These feelings had been laying dormant for a long time, and although it was hard going through this, I quickly understood that this NEEDED to happen.

And upon talking to Aidan when I returned to my sessions I started to understand how my body and mind were becoming more alive than they had ever been.

After just a week of hitting the lowest of the low in a long time, something kicked in. 14.07.04_RolfingPractice 107502MY FIGHT. I’ve fought hard to get where I am, I know my mind well and I have survived near death due to my past anorexia. Al this meant, now my body was in a full state of aliveness, along with my mind, that I had a fight in me I never knew I had.

The fact I saw the Dr so soon, the way I spoke to my parents of how I was feeling without hesitation, it was like I was ready. Rolfing had brought about all these feelings I am positive of it, and thank god it did. The way I feel now, and have done for the last 2 months, is wonderful. My mind is clear, my anxiety is gone, my grief is now full of love and celebration for those whom died and my forgiveness for the one who left me without explanation is no longer a factor in my life. I forgive. I feel free, happy and more alive than I ever have.

All of this needed to be said, I have always been honest and open. Please don’t misconstrue the above as negative…it’s far from it. Hand on heart, this is the best I have felt in all of my life to date.

I’m starting to understand who I am and fill the world around me.

red_5After my fifth Rolfing session last week I am feeling the benefits more than ever. It’s a feeling in me I want to share far and wide and it really is down to Aidan, his trust, his technique, his Rolfing. My journey with Aidan as I’ve said in previous blogs, started in 2010 at drama school. He was the first person ever to make me realise the disconnection I had to my body after years of neglect. He was the first person to open my eyes to the fact that I wasn’t a little girl anymore, stuck in hospital or Eating Disorder units, I was now a woman, free. Here I am still working with him and growing with him 7 years later. Feeling and living like never before.

I’m a bit of a musical theatre geek and there’s a verse in a well known musical called Wicked from the song Defying Gravity. I want to leave you with it, as it sums up where I am in the process of Rolfing and in my life perfectly.

“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down!”


If you think you or a loved one suffer from an eating disorder, you may want to contact SEED. Here’s the link SEED Eating Disorders Support Service


Maybe you are considering trying a Rolfing Session with Aidan, in London, here’s how to MAKE AN ENQUIRY OR BOOK A SESSION


If you want the list of UK Rolfers, take a look here


 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload the CAPTCHA.